depression seems to never go away.. some days i’m numb to it. but it’ll always be there.

I think I may have a problem. Every time something bad happens I can’t help but to drink and just get fucked up. Numbs the pain and puts me in a good mood. I don’t feel like shit the next day, but I don’t want the habit of drinking when I’m upset. I don’t think thats healthy.

This will probably sound all mushy and lame but I don’t care lol. I just feel like talking and since nobody is up I’m just gonna tell tumblr how I feel. So about 3 years ago I met Jimmy. He was a coworker of mine at my very first job. At this time though I was still with my ex, Max aka DOUCHE BAG. Now its a very long story with my ex, but lets just cut it short and leave it with him being a very controlling and verbally/mentally abusive partner. At the time of when Jimmy came in my life me and Max have been on a bumpy road. I was sick of the bullshit so I told him to leave me alone. Me and Jimmy continued talking, became really close. Max found out and didn’t like it so he came back for me. Not really to date me but to make sure I was still under his control. I regret everything with my ex, he’s held me back for 3 years of my life, but it also taught me a lesson. I was stupid back then, I was the stupid girl I thought I’d never be. But he convinced me to leave Jimmy and stay with him. Which was the worst mistake of my life. I forced myself to hate Jimmy. To try and get rid of the feelings I had for him. I soon found out that Jimmy thought I was just using him for sex, that the reason I left him was because he wouldn’t have sex with me. Which wasn’t the case. I was a virgin back then, lol. So we went our separate ways. He dated another girl and I was stuck battling depression from a guy who treated me with the utmost disrespect. It’s been a whole year since I dropped Max out of my life completely. No way of contact, nor do I ever see him or hear about him. He is dead to me. Just recently I saw Jimmy was single and we’ve been liking both our statuses on facebook, childish I know haha, but that opened a door to start a conversation with out it being awkward. We’ve been talking for a few days and I honestly couldn’t be any happier. I’ve gone through so many douche bag guys, plus that’s all I ever see in the world so my perspective on guys isn’t good. Especially since I was raped not even a year ago. Now looking back, I see Jimmy as the only guy I’ve ever had in my life who treated me so good. I took him for granted and left him like a stupid girl. I’m glad he’s giving me a second chance, because only god knows we both deserve to be happy. That’s all I want. To be happy and to never feel alone or unwanted. Not saying he’s the one, but he’s definitely the one right now to be here in my life to show me that they’re are nice guys out there. Now, we’re not dating and I’m not too sure if it’ll happen. I hope it does but if it doesn’t at least I know now to never let what happened, happen again. And I’ll always have him as a friend who will always be there for me. I am truly thankful. And although I wish the past never happened, I’m happy it did because I learned a valuable lesson that will help me throughout my life. Everything truly does happen for a reason. It’s if you chose to open your eyes to really understand.